What is a good first message on a dating app?

A good first message picks up one specific detail from their profile, a photo or a prompt, and asks an easy, playful question about it. One or two sentences is enough.

Is 'hey' a bad first message?

Yes, usually. In OkCupid's analysis of more than 500,000 first contacts, 'hi', 'hey' and 'hello' were the most common openers and among the worst-performing, because they give the other person nothing to answer.

How long should a first message on a dating app be?

One or two sentences. OkCupid found the best-performing first messages from men were around 200 characters and from women around 50, and reply rates fell for long walls of text.

Should I compliment their looks in a first message?

Better not. In OkCupid's data, compliments on looks such as 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful' underperformed, while comments on interests and taste did well. Compliment a choice they made, not their body.

How to Write a First Message on a Dating App

The first message on a dating app that gets answered is short, specific and easy to reply to: pick one real detail from their profile and ask a light question about it. Generic openers like "hey" and canned pickup lines are the ones that get ignored.

Key takeaways

"Hi", "hey" and "hello" are among the worst-performing first messages (OkCupid, 500,000+ first contacts).
On Hinge, likes sent with a comment are about twice as likely to lead to a date as bare likes.
One or two sentences is the sweet spot; walls of text and netspeak ("u", "ur") hurt.
Compliment choices and taste, not looks.
Playful either-or questions are easy to answer, which is exactly the point.

Why "hey" fails

A first message has one job: make replying easy and a little bit fun. "Hey" does neither. It gives the other person nothing to work with, so they have to carry the whole conversation from the first second.

The numbers back this up. When OkCupid analysed more than 500,000 first contacts, "hi", "hey" and "hello" were the three most common openers, and all three were, in the analysts' words, bad beginnings. The baseline reply rate for a first message on the site was only about 32%, so you start at a disadvantage anyway. Don't make it worse.

It is also the most common mistake. A study of Tinder activity (Tyson et al., 2016) found the median first message from men was 12 characters long, and about a quarter were under six characters. In other words: "hi". If you write anything specific, you already stand out.

Comment on something real

The single most useful habit is to react to something they chose to show you. Hinge reports that likes sent with a comment are about twice as likely to lead to a date, and 72% of its users say they are more likely to consider someone when a like comes with a message.

How to do it:

Scan their profile for one detail with a story behind it: a photo location, a prompt answer, an odd opinion, a pet, a book.
Be curious about that detail, not about them in general.
End with something they can answer in one line.

Weak:

Hey, how's your week going?

You have a great smile.

Better:

Your photo at the ramen bar: best bowl in town, or still searching?

"Comic Sans belongs on kids' menus" is a brave opinion. Where do you stand on Papyrus?

Okay, your cat Pip looks like he's judging the photographer. Is that his usual face?

The better versions show you actually looked, and they hand over an easy question. OkCupid found the same pattern in words: messages mentioning specific interests (a band, a book, being vegetarian) did well, while generic small talk did not.

Keep it short and playful

You are not writing a cover letter. OkCupid found the average first message was 743 characters long, but the best-performing first messages were much shorter: around 200 characters for men and about 50 for women. Reply rates dropped for very long messages.

Playful beats polished. Either-or questions and small games are easy to answer and set a light tone:

Hot sauce on pizza: yes, or absolutely yes?

Two truths and a lie about your Lisbon trip. Go.

Important question before we continue: are you a sleep-in-socks person?

A few details help more than you'd think. In OkCupid's data, messages with "haha" got replies 45% of the time and "lol" 41%, above the average. Netspeak like "u", "ur" and "ya" was a turn-off. Write like a relaxed person, not like a teenager in a hurry.

What to avoid

Canned pickup lines. "Are you a magician? Because…" Research on opening lines going back to the 1980s found cute, canned lines were rated least attractive by both women and men. A playful line that's specific to this person is different: it shows attention, a canned line shows a script.
Looks-only compliments. OkCupid found words like "gorgeous", "beautiful" and "sexy" underperformed. Non-physical words like "awesome", "fascinating" and "cool" did better. Compliment their taste, their story, how they think.
The life story. Three paragraphs about yourself make the other person do a lot of reading and leave them nothing to ask.
Pleading. "Please reply" or a string of follow-ups after silence reads as pressure. In OkCupid's data, "please" was one of the worst words you could use.
Anything sexual. Early on, comments on bodies land badly. A little suggestive charm later is fine; opening with it isn't.

After they reply

The opener only gets you to message two. From there, the most useful habit is to follow up on what they actually said instead of firing off a new question. If they write "I just got back from Lisbon", ask what Lisbon did to them, not what they do for work. We cover this in detail in follow-up questions, the easiest way to be more likable.

Also keep an eye on effort. Do they ask you something back, write longer, laugh? That tells you more than any single word. More on that in how to read signs of interest. And once the chat is good, don't wait weeks: ask them out with a specific plan.

A quick checklist before you hit send

Does it mention something specific from their profile?
Can they answer it in one line?
Is it one or two sentences?
Would you be happy to receive it?
Is it about a choice they made, not their body?

If all five are yes, send it and stop overthinking. Not every match will answer, and that is normal. A no-reply says little about you.

Practise it

Day 1 of the Banterfox program, "Openers that get answered", trains exactly this. You read three short lesson cards, answer two quiz questions, and then match with a practice partner whose profile you can see. Your checkpoint: write a specific opener and keep their interest up for six messages. A second challenge moves the same skill offline, to a rainy afternoon in a bookstore. Practice partners react to what you write, so a "hey" gets a flat reply and a good detail gets a warmer one, and the debrief shows you which of your lines worked. Day 1 is free.

Sources

Rudder (2009). "Exactly What to Say in a First Message" and "Online Dating Advice: Optimum Message Length". OkTrends, OkCupid. Analysis of more than 500,000 first contacts.
Hinge (2025). Convo starters. Hinge newsroom. https://hinge.co/newsroom/convo-starters
Tyson et al. (2016). A First Look at User Activity on Tinder. https://arxiv.org/abs/1607.01952
Kleinke, Meeker & Staneski (1986), and Cunningham (1989). Reactions to Heterosexual Opening Gambits. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167289151003